How can I get my 8 and 10 year old to do something, without bribing or threatening them?

“Our sons, aged 8 and 10, are very active and often argue. I start by calmly saying I don’t want that. But when that doesn’t help, I start to threaten. For example: ‘If you stop fighting, you can play PlayStation later.’ Or: ‘If you keep this up, I’m turning off the TV.’ We also use a reward chart. If they help with chores or play nicely, they get a reward when the chart is full—like a trip to the cinema. Still, I often feel like I don’t know what to do. I just want them to listen without needing to punish or bribe them.”

Helper 1: “Many parents struggle with this. The ‘if–then’ method can work, but only if you follow through. Try to make clear rules together with your children. For example: ‘If there’s fighting, the PlayStation gets put away.’ Talk with them about what they can do when they’re angry—like going to their room or asking for help. And be sure to reward good behavior, like staying calm during a disagreement.”

Helper 2: “It helps to clearly and positively say what you do want: ‘I’d like you to speak softly during quiet time.’ And give praise right away when it works: ‘Great job staying calm and quiet.’ Instead of threats, try offering something nice: ‘If you play calmly now, we’ll watch a movie together later.’ Start with small requests, one-on-one, and practice listening. Try not to say, ‘Stop fighting,’ but instead: ‘I’d like you to play nicely together.’”